Ugh, so lately I have been really struggling with everything. I struggle with Derek being gone, I mean it was my choice and I am greatful I made it. I just have a hard time taking care of Nikson all alone. I mean my mom is right there, but she can only do so much. He has been so upset the last few days, and I am having a hard time with no help. I love him, I just am under a lot of stress not knowing what to do, and doing this all alone. More of my own decisions, being a single mom is really hard. I hate being home, I really need friends to hang out with, and Kara is so far away and I haven't seen her since Nikson was born. I am really having a hard time with family, because I feel like I had this vision of how perfect my family used to be... and its not there any more. I miss my grandparents... I mean part of my new thing lately is, I don't really care what other people think of me; I am 19 years old and I am going to do what I want reguardless of what anyone else thinks... But for once, I would just like to not be the one who's so screwed up no one even wants to be around me. I make mistakes and if you know me well I make a hell of a lot of them, but I take care of my shit! That should mean something, I am getting my life figured out and getting myself going. I feel like I am doing everything I can to find a way to make sure that Nikson is taken care of and no one seems to think I am doing enough. I am doing everything I know how, I mean my hell, look at me a year ago and me now... Those two girls are two completely different girls. So, whatever. I am gonna do me, with or with out your approval. I guess that's what I have to do, I am sick of feeling like shit cause of everyone else! If you think you could be better in my situation please go ahead and prove it.
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