UGH YOU PISS ME OFF SO BAD!!!

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I hate him, I hate him for making me love him. I hate him for being so perfect, I hate him for everything he has about him that makes it hard to do anything but love him. I hate that I can't make him love me. What do I do? I tried walking away, but it's like I get around the block and turn back to come see if he'll chase me. I get these nasty messages that tell me he's not as good as I know he is... and still I want him. Still I look at him and only want him to wrap his arms around me and make me feel that peaceful feeling that we're in our own world, and no one can mess with us or hurt us. I just want us to  be good again. I want him right here, right now. I miss him so much it makes me sick.

Ugh.

I find it so amazing that I can absolutely hate this boy. I mean, he breaks my heart. Its really sad that I just want him, no matter what he does... I could never not love him. I just want him with me, I don't want to talk, or fight, or yell, or scream, or anything. I just want to lay with him and feel the peace I feel with his arms around me. I don't want to think about anybody or anything they could say to me. I just really want him here. I don't even care if he doesn't want me. I'm nuts. I'm seriously psychotic.

How I feel about him...

And so I walked away...

Like I said, I wanted to be important right? Well, I guess letting him know that only sealed my fate. The man I fell for, in the end didn't want me. I have been with so many guys; I've been with the kind who hit me, punched holes in my wall, pushed my baby off my bed.. I've been with plenty of guys. Roll all of them into one and multiply it by ten and I could never care about them the way I do this one boy. I look at my life, and I look at him; I can't help but feeling like a failure for being unable to keep him in my life. Going to high school with him, I heard all the terrible things people said about him, and I knew when I started talking to him, that he had a bad rep for being a heart breaker, a dick, and many other things. I was guarded, I told myself I wouldn't fall for him. As we were together I began to notice things; like the way his eyes would sparkle when he laughed, the way he would get teary eyed talking about his kids (though he'd deny it), the way he adored my son, the way he'd get when he'd embarrass me, or the excitement in his eyes standing at the bottom of a hill he was about to climb on a snow machine.He has a love for life that's invigorating, he's about pushing himself for the thrill of going to the max. He's not afraid of anything, he's extreme, yet gentle. I see how he wants so desperately for things to be happy in his life. I see how he wants his boys, and a little girl. He wants a daughter so bad. He's so far unlike the boy I was informed he was, he's the man of my dreams.The only thing I'd change about him, is I would want him to feel the way I feel about him for me. Not his baby mama. I mean you hear people say things like, "When I met him he made me realize why things with everyone else would never work." I have always wanted to feel that way about everyone I've been with, but until him it just seemed like the thing to say. He makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, I love him so much I feel like I'm selfish for keeping something so good and pure. I sometimes hate him for how easy I make it for him to break my heart, because I just can't help but love him so much. I think we're really done. I mean really. It breaks my heart that I can't be what he wants. I wish he could just tell me. I will not portray him like a monster, cause he isn't. If I were to compare him to anything, I'd compare him to the beast in the end of beauty and the beast... not because he's unattractive (Cause believe me when I say he's very attractive.) But because people are so willing to portray him as a mean, horrible creature... when he really is soooooooooo good. I guess he's misunderstood? I know that's pretty lame, but I think he's developed a hardened heart because of how he's been hurt in the past. Then, my heart breaks more for him. I'd love nothing more then to pick up the pieces of him and love them back together. And, that was like completely lame. Whatever, I will pray to have him in my arms again... I will pretend like everyday with out him isn't killing me. This is what my life consists of. 

One day... let's hope (Blake Shelton- she don't hate me anymore)

You know if I'd seen her comin' I'd probably tried to hide But I came around the corner And she caught me by surprise There was no ice cold shoulder There was no ugly scene She just smiled and didn't say The things I thought she'd say to me [Chorus 1] Well it was nothin' like that rainy night She left and slammed the door Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore I felt like some neighbor Just some guy she once knew You'd never know she loved me And I broke her heart in two Was she hidin' her emotions Or did she really get that strong Right then she turned and Introduced me to her new friend John [Chorus 2] I could tell the way he shook my hand He'd never heard of me before Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore There was no ice cold shoulder There was no ugly scene She just smiled and didn't say The things I knew she'd say to me [Chorus 3] I guess she got so caught up in him My memory's gone ignored Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore [Chorus 4] I know it might sound crazy But I don't know what hurts me more Is it the fact that she don't love me

I'm loving this song, it really is summing up my life right now.

http://youtu.be/0HnQ08XbnKo

It's been a while, and I hate that bitch.

Ugh, Hey guys! well it's been a while since I've posted. So I guess I'll give ya an update. First things first Nikson's 11 days shy of being 7 months old. He's got two teeth, talks and makes all sorts of noises, He's working on crawling, also working on standing. He's the funnest little guy, he keeps me on my toes. I started dating a guy who I really feel like was made for me. Sad part is, I don't think he feels I was made for him. He's got two boys, the youngest ones mother used to be friends with me, see we all went to high school together. Things with me and him were really good for about a month and a half till she got involved, she's a pain in my butt. Needless to say, she and I aren't friends anymore. I think that our biggest problem is he feels she was made for him, and she doesn't feel he was made for her. This seems to be a common occurrence in my life recently. When he and I started talking I told him I didn't want to get involved with him if he was still in love with her; He promised they were over and he hated her. I believed him. I am not really sure I do anymore; I so badly want to. They say you know when you're in love... and it wasn't right off the bat, but I knew pretty fast I was going to love him. I even remember telling him "I know you're the one who's going to break my heart." He thought I was nuts. Which I think makes me nuts!! Who would realize someone was going to hurt them like that, and then stay around and wait for him to do it. Yeah, that'd be me. see he makes me want to be the best I can, I work on keeping my house clean, getting up and ready, keeping Nikson happier, being more open to things of the bedroom sorts. I find myself doing things that I've never cared to do in other relationships. I want to please this man so bad... I really love him. I mean I am so desperate for him, I make myself super clingy and whiny. I get emotional to fast, I get agitated when I haven't been around him for a while. I mean I'm nuts right? I have never acted like this before. When I say things went good for like a month and a half, I mean that's when she screwed with his head. Seriously. She only wants this man of mine, when she is in between relationships and needs a pick me up for her confidence. Sad thing is, she uses their son to get him back into a relationship with her. I mean I'm over here, like "Hello, I'd break myself in half for you. I'd give you anything I could. I will love you honestly and truly for the rest of my life, unconditionally." Where she's like, "I only want to hurt you.. I want to use you when I have no one else... I will make you feel worse and worse about yourself, so I can feel better." Then I'm like well, how does any of this make sense I mean really... I am not perfect but I'm not going to hurt you... and that's all she's going to do, and still its a hard decision between me and her? Ugh, I guess we don't get to choose who the heart desires? I hate it. She gets to him so fast!!! I hate it. She gets in his head and ruins him for days, I sit by and I watch like an innocent bystander who shouldn't have an opinion. I can't change one single part of it. So, what do I do? Do I walk away from this perfect, loving, understanding, intellegent, wonderful, motivated, challenging, sweet man; who owns my heart, in order to save it? Or do I stay and muddle through and hope we come out on top; risking my every being? Well we barley seem to make it through some things... The last week he's been in more contact with this girl then I'd like to admit and our relationship has suffered for it. We haven't been the same, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. They say when you marry a man you marry his family as well, which I can handle. However, I don't consider her part of his family; she's his past... Can't she stay in the past? I would never expect their son to stay in the past with his mother, hell I would love the kid like he was my own... I just want her to fall off the face of the planet and leave the baby with us. I just can't get over the feeling that I will never be enough for him. Because, I'm not her. I hate her. So, that's my story... I am lost and confused... and I wouldn't mind a little revenge. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be open to them.