And so I walked away...

Like I said, I wanted to be important right? Well, I guess letting him know that only sealed my fate. The man I fell for, in the end didn't want me. I have been with so many guys; I've been with the kind who hit me, punched holes in my wall, pushed my baby off my bed.. I've been with plenty of guys. Roll all of them into one and multiply it by ten and I could never care about them the way I do this one boy. I look at my life, and I look at him; I can't help but feeling like a failure for being unable to keep him in my life. Going to high school with him, I heard all the terrible things people said about him, and I knew when I started talking to him, that he had a bad rep for being a heart breaker, a dick, and many other things. I was guarded, I told myself I wouldn't fall for him. As we were together I began to notice things; like the way his eyes would sparkle when he laughed, the way he would get teary eyed talking about his kids (though he'd deny it), the way he adored my son, the way he'd get when he'd embarrass me, or the excitement in his eyes standing at the bottom of a hill he was about to climb on a snow machine.He has a love for life that's invigorating, he's about pushing himself for the thrill of going to the max. He's not afraid of anything, he's extreme, yet gentle. I see how he wants so desperately for things to be happy in his life. I see how he wants his boys, and a little girl. He wants a daughter so bad. He's so far unlike the boy I was informed he was, he's the man of my dreams.The only thing I'd change about him, is I would want him to feel the way I feel about him for me. Not his baby mama. I mean you hear people say things like, "When I met him he made me realize why things with everyone else would never work." I have always wanted to feel that way about everyone I've been with, but until him it just seemed like the thing to say. He makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, I love him so much I feel like I'm selfish for keeping something so good and pure. I sometimes hate him for how easy I make it for him to break my heart, because I just can't help but love him so much. I think we're really done. I mean really. It breaks my heart that I can't be what he wants. I wish he could just tell me. I will not portray him like a monster, cause he isn't. If I were to compare him to anything, I'd compare him to the beast in the end of beauty and the beast... not because he's unattractive (Cause believe me when I say he's very attractive.) But because people are so willing to portray him as a mean, horrible creature... when he really is soooooooooo good. I guess he's misunderstood? I know that's pretty lame, but I think he's developed a hardened heart because of how he's been hurt in the past. Then, my heart breaks more for him. I'd love nothing more then to pick up the pieces of him and love them back together. And, that was like completely lame. Whatever, I will pray to have him in my arms again... I will pretend like everyday with out him isn't killing me. This is what my life consists of.