UGH YOU PISS ME OFF SO BAD!!!

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I hate him, I hate him for making me love him. I hate him for being so perfect, I hate him for everything he has about him that makes it hard to do anything but love him. I hate that I can't make him love me. What do I do? I tried walking away, but it's like I get around the block and turn back to come see if he'll chase me. I get these nasty messages that tell me he's not as good as I know he is... and still I want him. Still I look at him and only want him to wrap his arms around me and make me feel that peaceful feeling that we're in our own world, and no one can mess with us or hurt us. I just want us to  be good again. I want him right here, right now. I miss him so much it makes me sick.

Ugh.

I find it so amazing that I can absolutely hate this boy. I mean, he breaks my heart. Its really sad that I just want him, no matter what he does... I could never not love him. I just want him with me, I don't want to talk, or fight, or yell, or scream, or anything. I just want to lay with him and feel the peace I feel with his arms around me. I don't want to think about anybody or anything they could say to me. I just really want him here. I don't even care if he doesn't want me. I'm nuts. I'm seriously psychotic.

How I feel about him...

And so I walked away...

Like I said, I wanted to be important right? Well, I guess letting him know that only sealed my fate. The man I fell for, in the end didn't want me. I have been with so many guys; I've been with the kind who hit me, punched holes in my wall, pushed my baby off my bed.. I've been with plenty of guys. Roll all of them into one and multiply it by ten and I could never care about them the way I do this one boy. I look at my life, and I look at him; I can't help but feeling like a failure for being unable to keep him in my life. Going to high school with him, I heard all the terrible things people said about him, and I knew when I started talking to him, that he had a bad rep for being a heart breaker, a dick, and many other things. I was guarded, I told myself I wouldn't fall for him. As we were together I began to notice things; like the way his eyes would sparkle when he laughed, the way he would get teary eyed talking about his kids (though he'd deny it), the way he adored my son, the way he'd get when he'd embarrass me, or the excitement in his eyes standing at the bottom of a hill he was about to climb on a snow machine.He has a love for life that's invigorating, he's about pushing himself for the thrill of going to the max. He's not afraid of anything, he's extreme, yet gentle. I see how he wants so desperately for things to be happy in his life. I see how he wants his boys, and a little girl. He wants a daughter so bad. He's so far unlike the boy I was informed he was, he's the man of my dreams.The only thing I'd change about him, is I would want him to feel the way I feel about him for me. Not his baby mama. I mean you hear people say things like, "When I met him he made me realize why things with everyone else would never work." I have always wanted to feel that way about everyone I've been with, but until him it just seemed like the thing to say. He makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, I love him so much I feel like I'm selfish for keeping something so good and pure. I sometimes hate him for how easy I make it for him to break my heart, because I just can't help but love him so much. I think we're really done. I mean really. It breaks my heart that I can't be what he wants. I wish he could just tell me. I will not portray him like a monster, cause he isn't. If I were to compare him to anything, I'd compare him to the beast in the end of beauty and the beast... not because he's unattractive (Cause believe me when I say he's very attractive.) But because people are so willing to portray him as a mean, horrible creature... when he really is soooooooooo good. I guess he's misunderstood? I know that's pretty lame, but I think he's developed a hardened heart because of how he's been hurt in the past. Then, my heart breaks more for him. I'd love nothing more then to pick up the pieces of him and love them back together. And, that was like completely lame. Whatever, I will pray to have him in my arms again... I will pretend like everyday with out him isn't killing me. This is what my life consists of. 

One day... let's hope (Blake Shelton- she don't hate me anymore)

You know if I'd seen her comin' I'd probably tried to hide But I came around the corner And she caught me by surprise There was no ice cold shoulder There was no ugly scene She just smiled and didn't say The things I thought she'd say to me [Chorus 1] Well it was nothin' like that rainy night She left and slammed the door Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore I felt like some neighbor Just some guy she once knew You'd never know she loved me And I broke her heart in two Was she hidin' her emotions Or did she really get that strong Right then she turned and Introduced me to her new friend John [Chorus 2] I could tell the way he shook my hand He'd never heard of me before Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore There was no ice cold shoulder There was no ugly scene She just smiled and didn't say The things I knew she'd say to me [Chorus 3] I guess she got so caught up in him My memory's gone ignored Not only she don't love me She don't hate me anymore [Chorus 4] I know it might sound crazy But I don't know what hurts me more Is it the fact that she don't love me

I'm loving this song, it really is summing up my life right now.

http://youtu.be/0HnQ08XbnKo

It's been a while, and I hate that bitch.

Ugh, Hey guys! well it's been a while since I've posted. So I guess I'll give ya an update. First things first Nikson's 11 days shy of being 7 months old. He's got two teeth, talks and makes all sorts of noises, He's working on crawling, also working on standing. He's the funnest little guy, he keeps me on my toes. I started dating a guy who I really feel like was made for me. Sad part is, I don't think he feels I was made for him. He's got two boys, the youngest ones mother used to be friends with me, see we all went to high school together. Things with me and him were really good for about a month and a half till she got involved, she's a pain in my butt. Needless to say, she and I aren't friends anymore. I think that our biggest problem is he feels she was made for him, and she doesn't feel he was made for her. This seems to be a common occurrence in my life recently. When he and I started talking I told him I didn't want to get involved with him if he was still in love with her; He promised they were over and he hated her. I believed him. I am not really sure I do anymore; I so badly want to. They say you know when you're in love... and it wasn't right off the bat, but I knew pretty fast I was going to love him. I even remember telling him "I know you're the one who's going to break my heart." He thought I was nuts. Which I think makes me nuts!! Who would realize someone was going to hurt them like that, and then stay around and wait for him to do it. Yeah, that'd be me. see he makes me want to be the best I can, I work on keeping my house clean, getting up and ready, keeping Nikson happier, being more open to things of the bedroom sorts. I find myself doing things that I've never cared to do in other relationships. I want to please this man so bad... I really love him. I mean I am so desperate for him, I make myself super clingy and whiny. I get emotional to fast, I get agitated when I haven't been around him for a while. I mean I'm nuts right? I have never acted like this before. When I say things went good for like a month and a half, I mean that's when she screwed with his head. Seriously. She only wants this man of mine, when she is in between relationships and needs a pick me up for her confidence. Sad thing is, she uses their son to get him back into a relationship with her. I mean I'm over here, like "Hello, I'd break myself in half for you. I'd give you anything I could. I will love you honestly and truly for the rest of my life, unconditionally." Where she's like, "I only want to hurt you.. I want to use you when I have no one else... I will make you feel worse and worse about yourself, so I can feel better." Then I'm like well, how does any of this make sense I mean really... I am not perfect but I'm not going to hurt you... and that's all she's going to do, and still its a hard decision between me and her? Ugh, I guess we don't get to choose who the heart desires? I hate it. She gets to him so fast!!! I hate it. She gets in his head and ruins him for days, I sit by and I watch like an innocent bystander who shouldn't have an opinion. I can't change one single part of it. So, what do I do? Do I walk away from this perfect, loving, understanding, intellegent, wonderful, motivated, challenging, sweet man; who owns my heart, in order to save it? Or do I stay and muddle through and hope we come out on top; risking my every being? Well we barley seem to make it through some things... The last week he's been in more contact with this girl then I'd like to admit and our relationship has suffered for it. We haven't been the same, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. They say when you marry a man you marry his family as well, which I can handle. However, I don't consider her part of his family; she's his past... Can't she stay in the past? I would never expect their son to stay in the past with his mother, hell I would love the kid like he was my own... I just want her to fall off the face of the planet and leave the baby with us. I just can't get over the feeling that I will never be enough for him. Because, I'm not her. I hate her. So, that's my story... I am lost and confused... and I wouldn't mind a little revenge. If anyone has any ideas, I'd be open to them.

Why is it, all the other girls my age have found their prince charming? They get pregnant and find the man of their dreams.... and live happily ever after?? and I am like, yeah I love my son he's the closest thing to prince charming I will get? Fuck love. I said it. I don't believe I am meant to find anyone... truly. I am so serious.

Um I love this song (I Don't Care- Blake Shelton) It totally pertains to my life.

There she was;
Laughin', talkin', window shoppin' with a new guy.
And I'd heard about him.
I heard she found him right around when we said good-bye.

And I came real close and almost lost my temper.
But I bit my tongue, kept my cool, 'cause I remembered...

[Chorus:]
I don't care.
She don't matter.
I don't love her anymore, he can have her!
I don't know why it slips my mind,
I tell myself all the time;
Guess I forgot again for a second there;
That I don't care.

[Verse:]
Almost 10:00.
I should've known his car would still be parked in her drive.
Almost pulled in;
Knocked on her door and gave her a piece of my mind.

Oh, but I just kept on driving back to my place;
Wonderin' why I went so far out of my way when...

[Chorus:]
I don't care.
She don't matter.
I don't love her anymore, he can have her!
I don't know why it slips my mind,
I tell myself all the time;
Guess I forgot again for a second there;
That I don't care.

[Bridge:]
When I got home, the light was blinkin' on that old machine.
She said, "My brother's been in town, but he just left.
And, I miss you! Give me a ring."

[Chorus:]
I still care!
She's all that matters!
I still love her just like always, gotta have her.
I never got her off my mind, been hopin' she would call sometime.
I know it's late, to be drivin' over there, but I don't care!
I don't care.

There Is No Arizona- Jamie O'Neal

Dragging Me Along

When you are a little girl, you dream of what your life is gonna be like when you grow up. You dream of your house, your kids, your husband(: you dream of your wedding, being proposed to. It sucks when you grow up and your life isn't how you wanted it. All those dreams, seem so silly and stupid.

How did I imagine my life? Well I was going to marry a firefighter (just like my grandpa and my Uncle Bret) We were going to have a big house, and a lot of horses. I wanted a pretty outdoor wedding... and a big dress, and be married in the temple like my grandparents. I wanted to be skinny and pretty. I wanted a man with blue eyes, who was taller then me, and a hard worker, one of those like you would see on those Wrangler commercials.

Now, let me get one thing straight. One day I really want that life. I just really don't see how I get there? Oh boy, my life is so different then I wanted. I just want to look at myself and think I am right where I always wanted to be!! Ugh, well who knows what life has in store for you right? Well for tonight I have a really good song I wanna share with you all!

He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona
Underneath the blue never ending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order, he'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

She got a postcard with no return address, postmarked Tombstone
It said "I don't know where I'm goin' next but when I do
I'll let you know"
May, June, July, she wonders why
She's still waiting, she'll keep waiting 'cause

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

Each day the sun sets into the west
Her heart sinks lower in her chest and
Friends keep asking when she's going
Finally she tells them don't you know

There is no Arizona
No Painted Desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist, those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona

He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona

Bitchin again

Ok, so, Today I went to buy some jeans so I can go to work on Monday. I go in and select the pairs I want, and I walk up to pay. The girl who takes my money, well she's the type that's got the long pretty hair and long eyelashes and skinny... Well I think that girls like that are all air heads right. Everyone thinks I am so awful for thinking that! Well I have a very specific story now to back up my belief. She rang me up at $53.43 so I gave her $55.45 (which breaks down to two 20's a 10 a 5 a quater and two dimes) and she didn't give me my change back. I got home (yes, that proves I am an airhead too) and realized I didn't get my change back and I looked at my receipt and sure enough she didn't put the actual amount I gave her. She put I gave her exact cash. GURRRRRRRRRRRR. Stupid Barbie Bitch. I hope she gets in trouble cause her till doesn't add up. Bitch owes me $2.02. Ugh, stupid pretty people.

Me, Rude? No Honey, I am a Straight Up Bitch!

Ha, Well I think we should set something straight... I can be the nicest person in the world! I would do anything in the world for anyone! Without even thinking about it, I am a really nice person. However I am going to be honest, even if it comes off rude. Let me let you know I am me, I say what I think, I am not afraid to tell you how I feel and if you can't handle it, well I am sorry. Talk to someone else then, cause I am not who you want to talk to.

hmmmm...

I understand being busy, trust me I do. But if you can't carry a conversation with me, I am gonna get bored... And mostlikely won't want to put an effort into talking to you. I mean I don't want to be the center of your whole world, that's not the kind of girl I am... I just want a real conversation. I didn't realize that in these days, its so hard to find?

I love this song, seriously though!!

I got that real good feel good stuff
Up under the seat of my big black jacked up truck
Rollin' on 35s
Pretty girl by my side

You got that sun tan skirt and boots
Waiting on you to look my way and scoot
Your little hot self over here
Girl hand me another beer, yeah!

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!

Might sit down on my diamond plate tailgate
Put in my country rock hip-hop mixtape
Little Conway, a little T-Pain, might just make it rain

You can hang your t-shirt on a limb
Hit that bank and we can ease on in
Soak us up a little moonlight
You know I know what you like, yeah!

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!

My kind of your kind of its this kind of night
We dance in the dark and your lips land on mine
Gonna get our love on
Time to get our buzz on

All them other boys wanna wind you up and take you downtown
But you look like the kind that likes to take it way out
Out where the corn rows grow, row, row my boat
Floatin’ down the Flint River, catch us up a little catfish dinner
Gonna sound like a winner, when I lay you down and love you right
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!
Yeah, that’s my kind of night!
Come on...

OMG Where Has This Song Been All My Life?

My life.

haha(: this is really funny!!

Bleh.

So, I mean... I am the kind of girl who doesn't need a guy to make her life complete or happy. (Well minus Nikson and Farley.) But it would sure be nice, for a guy who was everything I wanted would just show up and stay... It seems like the kind of guy I want always has eyes for a different girl. I am the kind who is "fun to talk to" or "not really the girl they are looking for". I don't know what it is, but the guys who want me aren't guys I want... they are the guys who think they can push me around or want to use me cause they see baby and think I am easy. Well, I am not easy at all... I don't want sex, I want a guy to come in my life and stay. I know that, that sounds bad, because I don't really want a relationship and want the right guy to make me want a relationship. However at the same time, I don't want to drag Nikson through relationship after relationship. I want someone who he will want to model himself after, who will take him fishing, teach him to play football, teach him to shoot, and work on cars. Is that so much to ask for? A manly man, who will love me and my son, and treat us with the respect we deserve?

little rant...

Just an FYI if someone is to good to be true, they probably are. No explanation needed!

A little girls abondonment

He told her daughter he hated her and wished she was never born.
He didn't even seem to care that the child's heart was torn.
He blamed child for all of his heartache and pain.
Did he realize emotional abuse, can drive a child insane.
He said his child was the reason he never achieved his dreams.
Those words hurt his child more, than to him they may have seemed.
All his daughter wanted was his love and his affection.
But all she ever got was her fathers constant rejection.
Feeling like a lost child with no one to love.
She prayed to be taken away to the heavens above.
Not knowing why she just wasn't good enough.
Why when she needed gentleness she was treated so rough.
Wondering why her existence caused her father so much pain.
Longing for her father's love, she probably would never gain.
Wanting her father to tell her she was a blessing.
That she was not the reason for her father's stressing.

Family

Family is who we look to when we need help. We expect our parents to raise us, our grandparents to love us, and our brothers and sisters to always be there for us when the chips are down. They are our blood and we depend on that connection. When a family member doesn't live up to our expectations we feel abandoned. When a parent, grandparent or older brother or sister puts their needs in front of our own, we feel abandoned and alone. In such a case, we are likely to feel sad, alone and angry.

Paige's wedding.

Oh my goodness Paige's wedding. First of all, Paige is so freaking gorgeous!! I absolutely hate it... I mean my cousins are so beautiful! I am over here like I am on a diet I shouldn't eat Ice Cream, ok maybe one scoop, better give me two... oh and some caramel... so much for my damn diet. Ugh, I told some people last night when I grow up I want to be pretty... Haha, I think endless amounts of plastic surgery wouldn't even fix that. haha, oh well.. I am just gonna embrace the fact I am going to be single for life. I mean, I came really close to getting married! Derek and I were planning for September 21, 2013... I had a dress, we had rings, we were buying decorations... and then I realized I wasn't happy. We always were fighting, we weren't supposed to be together, he wasn't really who I wanted. I am not saying I don't love him, because I do, I just don't want to be with him the rest of my life. We were in a hole there is no other way to describe it, other then a hole! I was so desperately trying to crawl out and be able to float, and it wasn't going to happen with him around. Anyways, I want to just comment on how gorgeous Paige's wedding was! It was Mint and Pink (it's Paige, of course there was Pink! She even got Unc. Bret, her dad, in a Pink tie!! That's an accomplishment) With a country twang! It was gorgeous. They danced and that was gorgeous he dipped her and kissed her. It was cute. Congratulations Paigey! I am so happy for you!! Kyle is great, ha, he hugged me... and came to meet me after my baby shower he can't be too bad. Anyways, I am totally jealous of her.. I came so close. Thank god I am not married!

We Can't Stop, Miley Cyrus

Oh my freak!! I love this song... I mean its so like I am who I am I don't care what you think!! Kiss my ass, I love it! Now, I am not really a fan of Miss Miley... but I sure love this song! Summer 2013 Anthem!